The (True) History of England

I've been posting on my schools blog so I can fulfill my requirements for my class. This is an entry I posted today

Disclaimer: What you are about to read is the absolute truth and the truth about the truth is that those that really know the truth worked really hard to cover up the truth and they don’t want you to know the truth but after extensive research across Wikipedia I have discovered that the truth cannot be kept secret from us any longer and I have learned the truth and I am now writing this to tell you all about the truth. Its 4:42p.m. in the afternoon and I have places to be soon so lets begin.

What is contained below here is the truth, just like fiction about the truth is always true and true statements on exams are always 50/50 right this information is like that in that it is T and not F which is probably what you would normally guess if you were to read this on an exam, but know this what I’m divulging to you is the truth about the truth of English History. I have obtained this information merely by being here and there is no other way I could have obtained this if it was not for this trip.

It all began with aliens. Not aliens that you would normally imagine when you think of aliens, but think about that Will Smith movie Independence Day those aliens, because well that movie is based on the truth as well (ever wondered why it rarely plays on TV) Well Roland Emmerich knew what was up when he created Independence Day, but we will come back to this later. So don’t forget it.

Aliens once lived on our planet roughly 5000 years ago give or take. They were prosperous creatures and they created a powerful world and like us dominated over nature. Until one day they had literally exhausted there natural resources and animal surplus (we would later discover these remains and they would become known as dinosaurs). So the aliens built massive spaceships that spanned their entire continent (if you study geology at all you will see that once there was only one continent, its name has been discussed for many years and is usually called Pangaea, but those of us in the know, know it was called Jumbuous) and blasted off this planet (which put a large crack down the center and would later span to separate the continents) They attempted to destroy their entire civilization with fire, but the alien in charge of flying over the continent after everyone left to make sure that everything was gone stopped about halfway because it was very bored and very hungry so it checked “all destroyed” on its list and beamed away to the mother ship. This is fortunate for us that he didn’t make it to a little area that would much later become to be known as Salisbury or else he would have found the one structure that was left, Stonehenge.

This is all very good and fortunate for us, but let us fast forward a little bit all the way to after the Jumbuous broke up and focus on one particular region Europe, and more importantly England.

Let us talk about the year 1381 or more like allow me to enlighten you on what really happened this year. History would have one believe there was a peasant revolt in this year over some silly little thing like taxes. History would also tell you that in the 1340’s there was an outbreak of a little something called the Bubonic Plague (I imagine you’ve heard of this). Well the Bubonic Plague was actually an outbreak of another character that history tries to cover up and is merely the contents of horror novels, the Zombie. In the 1340s there was a large outbreak of zombies. Not the zombies we know today, but simply undead. They would mingle with society perfectly fine, but the only negative thing about them was they smelled awful, but other than that were mostly harmless. Edward III did not care for zombies and is quoted as saying “Zombies are just such a disgusting and inhumane creature” so he banished them all to Southwark. Many zombies were swept up in the middle of the night and taken from their homes and their human families and pushed across the London Bridge. It was a very similar scene from American history called the trail of tears, except with zombies instead of Indians. This occurred in 1349 and it took the zombies 32 years of oppression before they finally revolted into what is now known as the Peasant’s Revolt or the Great Rising (whatever tickles your fancy). It was all thanks to the infamous zombies John Ball, Wat Tyler, and Jack Straw. The revolt failed however and Ball and Straw were beheaded (ever wonder why they were not simply hung? Well if you know anything about zombies you must know that a zombie without a head cannot live). After the uprising the English government abolished taxes as a favor for its citizens for having to put up with the retched zombie attack. The remaining zombies were abolished completely off England. They tried to take up root in France but the French (not being fans of awful smelling things) would not allow them on their land either. It is really unknown where the zombie kind eventually ended up (some people say it was in Greenland while others claim that they definitely took over Sweden, but then there is a small group of historians that say it was Canada) but I digress where the zombies wound up will forever be a mystery. Some truths my friend can never be discovered.

There have many documented zombie outbreaks across the history of the world but the last major uprising came in the 17^th century, commonly called the Great Plague of London of 1665-1666, once again its real name for those who lived it will forever be the Great Zombie War of 1665-1666. It began in 1645 when there was a sudden surge of zombie population in the middle of London. King Charles II did not want another uprising on his hand so he gave the zombies a chance to live peacefully with society. Many complained and the zombies believed it was a matter of time before they were cast out like their ancestors. They waited for years putting up with extreme segregation and racism, and pleaded with King Charles II to put a stop to the separation going on in the city, but Charles II turned a blind eye to their needs. He believed that by allowing them to live amongst them he was already doing them a major favor. So why should he make their stay comfortable? Zombies were not allowed in parliament nor entrance to church. Finally one day in 1665 a band of zombies gathered in a peaceful protest. Charles II tried to quell the protest with force. This only caused more problems and the protest erupted into a full fledged war. Zombies tore through the streets of London killing any human they found and feeding on them. What was a protest turned into a year long war and the zombies were finally defeated when Charles II ordered London to be burned to the ground on September 2, 1666. This day is still celebrated and is known as Z-Day. This is a picture from the festivities.

Well friends it is now 6:00p.m. and I have to go and watch a play at Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre (fun fact Shakespeare is actually debated to have been a zombie. Which is why he was able to write so many plays, he never slept) there will be more on this later in the history of England the Deuce (or II whatever).